Therapy post!
I've been rejected, for a variety of reasons, all my life. The recent posts and stories about bullying get under my skin because my first 30 years were tainted by bullying and that, in addition to be being raised to fail, have made me the wreck I am when it comes down to daily life.
Parents raised me by telling me I'd be a failure, that being an artist was foolish, ought to learn welding. Mom taught me men were useless lazy and awful, while Dad taught me that women were nuts and you should just give up and sleep as much as possible. Together they taught me that marriage was a punishment, and that children are assholes.
Schoolmates from K-12 treated me like an alien, threw things at me, mocked me, ostracized me, shunned me. When puberty set in, I was the laughing stock of all the "cool" girls. It didn't stop at school; I was also targeted by bullies in the workplace. As recently as the late 80s, meth heads at one workplace threatened to whoop my ass because "I acted like I was better than them" (I WAS). As recently as 4 years ago, Bush supporters came after me like I was free fried chicken. Facebook re introduced me to the world of loud mouth ignorant motherfuckers telling me I am useless and wrong.
And in work? I've had the quality of my work praised since my first job at McDonalds. And I lost many a job over conflicts with bullies.
In the comics world, my proposals were praised as brilliant and refused for publication as not marketable.
And same with romance. Every girl I dated, or attempted to, walked away from me - to my utter bafflement, if not surprise.
It all underlines what has been the primary message aimed at me since birth: You are not good enough. You are wrong. You wear out your welcome. Please go.
So the sadness and hopelessness runs deep. I am a great worker. I am a talented artist. I have many skills. I can make people laugh. But in the end I NEVER fit in to "normal" society and work, I am always Rudolph, I am their best friend in an emergency but I don't get to play their reindeer games. Banished to the island of misfit toys. Home at last.
bleh.
Why so glum?? It is about BOREDOM. Whether I simply wore out the pleasure receptors with decades of partying or simply have seen too much - day to day life is more defeatist chore than enjoyable. It is now about the recognition that the future holds nothing better than what has come in the past. It's all downhill from here - health, income, mobility, sanity. When I can distract myself with something huge - a vacation trip, a coaster tour, an electronics purchase - I feel pleasure. But those are dimming as well and the options to enjoy them fading with every day of age and unemployment. My future is pretty certain: unrewarding work at barely living wage with minimal vacation time and benefits. Soon enough my health will fail and I have no insurance and can't possibly afford the $700 a month health insurance cobra fee. I'm one serious injury or disease away from losing everything.
And that country I grew up in, the U.S.? A fading empire that will never recover from its downward spiral; there are too many emerging markets to addict to cigarettes and sugar water to bother caring if this country's citizens earn a living wage or can afford transportation. Those Chinese dollars look really yummy to "job creators" (more like blow job creators). As bad as I have it, I know our children will live in third world conditions by 2025 - this country will be OVER. End of an era. Close the account and let the wolves thin the herd.
I will be protesting on Guy Fawkes day at the Galleria Financial Center; as the country circles the drain, I will at least be on the right side of history. It will accomplish NOTHING I know but I will have made my stand with the few people in this city who don't think that the problem facing this country is coming from the 99% of people who want to have a job and an income and a future.
Have a nice day!!
